Confessions of a Demon Hunter
by jubeltine
Summary: Forks, Washington has a very interesting and large supernatural population-- which greatly irritates some of its other inhabitants.


Disclaimer: Not mine; SMeyer owns all.

**Confessions of a Demon Hunter**

There is something peculiar about the climate of Forks.

And I don't just mean the weather. I mean, there is a _supernatural_ climate to Forks. I don't know what it is yet, but there's just something about the place that draws every freaking kind of supernatural being that you can possibly dream of to it.

You might wonder how I know what these things are. It's understandable, of course, why you would wonder such things, being that there probably aren't very many supernatural beings (that you know of) in your own city, so perhaps you want to live vicariously through me.

Run.

No, seriously, there is _nothing_ about my life that you should know or want to know about. I have to deal with these creatures on a daily basis, as I have since I was a little kid, and I've learned to accept the way of the world.

You see, I'm a demon hunter.

Mike Newton, you say, you're joking.

Oh no, is my reply, you _wish_ I was joking.

The Cullens are vampires. It's honestly not that hard to pick up on, so I don't know _how_ the people of Forks manage to remain so oblivious—Carlisle Cullen? 33? Oh, please, the guy is a walking Calvin Klein underwear model at 23, latest.

And doesn't anybody else think it's so weird that Dr. Cullen and his wife, young couple that they are, decide to take in not only their three poor orphaned nephews and niece, but adopt two twins as well?

I guess that's just it, though, the crazier the story is, the more people take it as face value.

But _come _on, doesn't anybody else think it's super weird that their eyes _constantly_ change color? Not to mention the fact that nobody should have that shade of gold for eyes. It's unnatural.

Well, then again, that's just what they are._ Unnatural_.

I picked up on that the instant the Cullens showed up in Forks. I mean, come _on,_ give a demon hunter some credit, I don't suck at my job. But there's not much I can do about them. Because the Cullens don't hunt humans, they hunt _animals_, and there's technically nothing wrong with that. I mean, I thought I could bust them on setting up some kind of disastrous ecological chain of extinction with over-hunting one species, but _damn_, these guys don't even do that.

So I have to let them be. Trust me, it kills me that I can't do anything about them, but it would be "unjust" and then I'd have some angry people to answer to. I just don't want to get involved in that kind of trouble, y'know? It's so much easier to just let them be.

And that's when _she_ came along.

Isabella Marie Swan. Daughter of Chief Swan. A pretty beautiful girl, if you ask me. My interest in her when she first arrived was strictly of the hormonal kind, until I saw Cullen tensing to attack during Biology.

I can't explain what happened there, except some kind of freak sensory-imprint. I was freaking out for this girl, because if Cullen took to stalking her, it was going to cause me some problems to deal with discreetly. And unlike this idiot, I actually knew how to maintain some level of secrecy. He was panting and staring at her and crouching to kill the entire period. I'm amazed somebody besides myself didn't notice.

So I tried to steer her clear of him, not wanting to be the reason some poor girl triggers a freak vampire to salivate and is then subsequently killed. Protect the civilians and all, y'know?

Yeah, that worked great. The next thing I know, he saves her from being squashed by a van, and the two of them cavort off to Seattle together (though I doubt that's where they went) and she disappears to Phoenix and lands herself in a hospital.

Gee, I wonder what happened there.

And I admit that I was under the mistaken impression that Cullen had taken a good snap at her which she had only narrowly avoided (what the hell they were doing in Phoenix, I _still_ have no clue about), but considering how worshipful she was of him afterwards, that probably wasn't the case.

But then the Cullens left, and Bella went crazy. No, she seriously went insane. The only thing I could think was _get a freaking grip_, because it was so better for her that they left. But she went all catatonic and I pretty much ignored her because I didn't have to keep watching her back to make sure she didn't become the next meal for a "vegetarian" vampire coven.

Until the werewolves started popping up.

Now, I know the whole Quileute story where the wolves are the good guys who dismember vampires and whatnot.

Yeah, whatever, they're _still_ demons. They _still_ pose a threat to human society, and would you look at those La Push kids? Just the size of them is enough to throw off that whole "human" charade, I mean, _look_ at them! What normal human grows to be 6'9 and taller?

So I'm sitting here, thinking about how ridiculous this is. Not one, but _two_ supernatural species happen to find their way to Forks, Washington. Just like that. And there's this long, obnoxious history about how far back they go and how they are mortal (immortal, more like) enemies, and blah blah blah. The point is, they are totally liable to go to town on the human species so they need _me_.

Not that I have anything to do, really, except keep an annoyingly close watch on them, "in case" they end up hurting someone.

Boring. Please, anybody could do this. I need some _real_ action.

And then the Cullens come back, and then _more_ werewolves pop up, and you _know_ they are just going to start ripping the other one to shreds, what with Bella in the middle of them, and all of a sudden, they start rallying together against _another_ foe. More vampires, but the kind I'm allowed to kill, y'know, with the red eyes that just exude "supernatural being." Apparently, while mysteriously in Phoenix, these vampires tried to kill Bella? I'm unclear on the story, but instead of getting to dismantle a few vamps, I get ushered out of town while they get their hurt on on these vamps and end up killing the whole lot with zero casualties.

So not only do I miss out on a super fight, but _none_ of the Cullens or werewolves go down in number.

This is great, this is just freakin' amazing.

And _then_ Bella and Cullen put out a wedding announcement. For _summer_. And they get married, and obviously they mean to turn her into a vampire, and that's just it.

Sometimes, being a demon hunter _sucks_.

Well, y'know, except for the speed.

The speed is awesome.


End file.
